The Day The Music Died

It was June 14, 2010 and I was glad to be alive. I remember the day as if it were yesterday, for it was the day I survived another noxious round of my friend/co-worker's gastrointestinal failings. I also remember it because, ya know....it *was* yesterday and stuff....But anyhoo....I would like to dedicate the following blog to my friend Simon, who's Adventures In Babyshitting has inspired me to create a guide exploring the best places to relieve pressure in public. Now farting in public may seem like a dangerous and embarrassing escapade, but if done carefully and considerately you can make it past your unfortunate choice of Chinese food washed down with Pale Ale.....Orrrrr you can continue down the path of the Dark Side and hope that the co-driver in your car finds your Dodge Charger version of the Dutch Oven, complete with automatic window lock-out for maximum nasal penetration, as funny to him as it is to you. Yeah. That's right fucker....I lose one more nose hair to your faulty colon and I will introduce you to a new brand of suppositories.....


That being said, let's start out with the easy stuff.

Situation # 1 - The Right Cheek Sneak
Need to scrape the scab off a turd yet find yourself stuck in the line to purchase Miley Cyruss tickets? RESIST THE URGE. The odds of getting away with it are really against you. In a line full of strangers, escape may not be readily available. Instead you must pick the right moment to unleash a torrent of liquid air on the unsuspecting masses. Might I suggest the line at the local McDonalds. Trust me....With all the smells of the shit they serve....ain't no one gonna smell the difference between their quarter pounder with cheese and YOUR quarter pounder with Fromunda Cheese.

THE VERDICT :

Situation #2 - The Crop Duster

Three day old lasagna looked so promising sitting in your refrigerator, and now it is putting pressure on your lower intestine. Dear Lord when will this day end? Not to worry! The solution is awaiting you nearby. The local mall or office building is the easiest place to squeeze cheese until you can unload that two pound Hershey's Kiss payload that is currently coating your cantankerous colon. But beware! There are dangers abound! That revolving door may look like a quick in-and-out operation....but if you have a long drawn out flatulation, you run the risk of discovery...or worse.....coming 'round full circle and walking into your own fart cloud. Not Cool! Instead, opt for the down escalator. Heat rises, thus making your escape from the Ass Cloud of DOOM much easier.

THE VERDICT :

and finally....

Situation # 3 - Floating The Air Biscuit

There you are. Standing in line at the local supermarket and boy do you have to blow mud. You think you have the perfect patsy standing innocently nearby. Yes. The poor sucker standing there with his Sugar Smacks and a six pack of RC Cola has no idea the trap you are laying for him. The problem is that he will know it was you! This can lead to parking lot confrontations and you may spend some time in someone's trunk if you choose the wrong unknowing accomplice. No, What you need is the nearest busy crosswalk. The busy crosswalk is THE BEST PLACE TO UNLOAD UNWANTED ASS BAGGAGE. Think about it. You're moving...there are random unassuming (heeheehee..ASS....) accomplices crossing the street with you....and sometimes but not always....it could be windy. You drop your payload of brown heat right in the middle of the crosswalk, and if anyone noticed the pungent odor of Indian food and the equivalent of the smell you would get from turning your mother inside out.....who's going to figure out that it was YOU? And even if someone does pipe up in the middle of the wandering pack of street nomads you can always whip out with the indefensible logic of "Whoever smelt it, dealt it!"

THE VERDICT :

If you found these few insights helpful, you might want to check out my new book written especially for situations like these.


And for those of you who did not find my new self-help book very helpful at all and feel the need to voice your opinion to the negative....well let's just say I have a book for that problem too. :P