Ah, the first day of School. It started off the usual way, with my wife speaking in tongues about something currently pissing her off (Note to self : Call the priest and schedule that exorcism as soon as possible) and her boot half way up my son's ass because he was ignoring her constant requests for him to get dressed for school. It didn't take long for the day to lapse into complete chaos, which by my usual standards is roughly 3 minutes.My day of chaos starts with Loving Wife telling me that she forgot to get batteries for the camera. Not to worry says I, Nothing-Gets-By-Me Husband, we can can get batteries out of one of the gajillion remotes we have laying around the house...or even better....one of those Wii remotes that no one ever seems to use (as opposed to the plastic uterus massager my wife thinks I don't know about hidden under her mattress). So with that catastrophe avoided, we all head out to the place where my son gets on the bus. As the time draws forth and it is almost "that time", All-Knowing Wife begins the ritual of documenting my son's ascent into the big yellow bus....not to be confused with the pictures of him getting on the same bus LAST YEAR...no...these would be totally different and totally worth documenting.
So my wife, the Annie Liebovitz of the Lunchables Set, starts snapping pictures.
*CLICK* "That's right...that's right..." *CLICK* "Work iiiit...woooooork iiiiiit. Give me more! You own that lunch box!" *CLICK* "You're hungry! Show me hungry! That's right! You're not a bad boy! You're just misunderstood! That's it!" *CLICK* "That's it!"
Well that would be it if the batteries didn't die after ONE PICTURE. GARRRRRR!!!!!!
No fool this one, I speculate that I could hop in my truck and speed down the hill to the local Inconvenience Store and snap up some Double A's with juuust enough time to scope out the Double D's (sploot!)...yet still have enough time to make it back for prime photo op time. Upon returning to the bus stop as predicted, I hand off the batteries and the bus arrives. CLICKCLICKCLICK Action shots of my son standing in line and staring at the back of the next kid's head are gobbled up by this newly energized and reinvigorated camera. This camera is the best. It's the Cadillac of Cameras let me just tell you.
(This is what my English teacher would call FORESHADOWING)
That, of course, is when the unthinkable happens. The wife says she needs to get to work because the loading ritual has taken too long. So the task of immortalizing his trip OFF the yellow bread box is left to me. So I don my Super Dad cape and drive like a mad man.....right across the road to where the school lies. Thankfully my Super Dad peripheral vision notices my old nemesis LIGHT POLE trying to attack me when I backed out so I manage to swerve and avoid it. Curses! says the Evil Light Pole. Foiled again! Anyway, I get into the parking lot and begin fighting my way through the herd of water buffalo...er....jobless school moms in the parking lot before running to the grassy knoll to gain a high vantage point for maximum photo op happiness. I am rewarded with a perfect view of my son, ready to exit stage right. Awesome! With camera in hand I power up the photo capturing device, and with hand trembling prepare to take THE MOST AWESOME PICTURE EVER. Whoop. No. Wait. Not yet. They are taking off the kindergarteners first. Power off. (Don't want to waste those batteries!) and then.....AHA! Movement! The time has come! The light is perfect...I'm zoomed in close.....the world has stopped around me....nothing can prevent me from fulfilling my DESTINY!! .....except that they didn't get off the bus....GRRR. The bus was merely moving forward one bus length. *sigh* OK! NOW they are exiting the bus! I check the lighting...perfect. Zoomed in just so....awesome. This will be THE BEST picture of children exiting a bus EVER. My heart begins beating rapidly as I slowly reach for the silver button that will ensure my winning the Nobel Prize for Photography. CLICK! HA HAAAAA!!! YES!! My immortality is assured! My greatness will be talked about for many.......say, why is the screen black? WHAT? AIGH!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
THE &$#^@&!!!! CAMERA SHUT OFF!!!! GARRRR!!!!!!
So at this point all there is left to do is to get a shot of my son as he WALKS to the school as opposed to the awesome sight of him coming down off those bus stairs like he is the mother-luvin' Fonze! Fine. I can still do this..... "Hey L'il Buddy! Pose for Daddy!" *CA-CLICK!* .....aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that would be the same moment some random dumbass would happen to walk right in front of him blocking my shot.....Illustrated herein with a few minor adjustments, namely protecting the faces of those who randomly walked into my beautiful shot here and totally ruined it's awesomeness. For those of you with IQs in the 30's....no, my son does not go to school with Homer and Lisa Simpson....I just don't want to get SUED for posting some kid's photo without permission. :P
Anyway....it is at that point that I abandon all hope of the Nobel Prize and snap a few panoramic crowd shots from 40 feet away that wouldn't be worthy of the last page of a student newspaper, so I don't come away COMPLETELY empty handed. *sigh* Oh well. If anyone needs me I will be away preparing my lawsuit against Fuji for negligently putting the stupid power button next to the more important picture taking button. Good day!
