The Real Story Behind The Healthcare Debate!

Behind the scenes of any great debate is usually a greater story struggling to be heard.
The Healthcare debate is no different.

In this corner....Weighing in at 12 sweat socks and hailing from Trousersnake, Ohio....House Minority Leader and Republican Senator John BOEHNER!

ANNNNND IN THIS CORNER....Weighing in at 16 ounces and hailing from Tubesteak, New York.....Democratic Senator Anthony WEINER.

Yahoo.com reported today that Weiner was under attack for his support of the health care bill, which will bring insurance to all the people who suffer from irritable hemorrhoids and have no way of seeing a proctologist. Boehner on the other hand, stood FIRMLY against the bill, stating that those assholes should pay for their own insurance. While usually an athletic supporter, when asked for further comment, he told reporters to "get bent". When reporters finally managed to ketchup to Weiner for a rebuttal, he explained....with great relish....that Boehner was being a real DICKHEAD. Weiner is, as a matter of public record...behind the people all the way. He is deep into the problem with America's buns, and frequently champions their cause with all the passion he can mustard.

As a result of his passion for the Healthcare bill....Weiner received a package in the mail. The contents of which could only be described thusly....

Contrary to popular belief, it was not Boehner's "Dick In A Box". No. It was a vicious attack by a contingent of the Senate known only as the Republi-CANS. Their motto being "Are you a Republi-CAN or a Republi-CAN'T...ya know...like that Palin chick..." While Boehner is said to be a part of this group and sticks out as the obvious leader, the group is rumored to be led by Senator Mariah Kuntz of Summer's Eve, Virginia. Sources close to the matter said that while it does smell fishy the way Kuntz has cozied up to Boehner, in the end...it was a perfect fit.

Kuntz is said to be keeping a stiff upper lip when talking about the attack on Weiner. In fact, it's pretty accurate to say she....clammed....up. She later issued a statement through her assistant which read : "Loose lips sink ships". Indeed!
I imagine Boehner was pissed that his group was blamed for this sticky situation, However, he has only himself to blame. The man may have a lot of stroke in Washington, but this is what happens when you go off half-cocked like that. As I find myself with my head bobbing up and down, I realize it is because I am subconsciously "giving the nod" to Boehner as the winner of this cockfight....or as Alex Trebek would put it....

WHEN IT'S A BOEHNER!

My advice to Weiner is to stop backing the bill and if someone grills you as to why you gave up support of the bill for people with sore buns in need of some free government paid for lubrication....Just remember....
(Editor's Note : No Democrats were harmed in the writing of this blog. None of the names have been changed to protect the innocent....but only half of this shit is made up!)

(link to original story which spawned this idea below)

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ynews/20100325/ts_ynews/ynews_ts1335

Woody's Guide To Surviving The Modern Bathroom

Laugh if you will, but there is danger and excitement (and a hint of feces) behind every corner when you step into one of these public bathrooms. I came to that conclusion recently when I narrowly avoided having my change purse permanently stretched to the length of your average disco mirror ball. But I am getting ahead of myself....
Back in the day, things were simple. You went into a box, dropped trou and did yer business.

Ahhhh yes. The good old days. "Doing some paperwork in the Reading Room."...."Sitting on the Throne." As the ages rolled past, things started changing. For one, men were unceremoniously forced to urinate side by side like cattle. I don't know who came up with that idea...but it must have been after a hard night of drinking and perhaps involved some limp-wristed tendencies.

Now I don't know about you....But the last thing I need while having a meeting with the "Heads of Staff" is greedy eyes upon my Heat Seeking Moisture Missile. No good is going to come out of using this medieval device! Thankfully the Powers That Be came to their senses and the use of individual urinals became the norm. I know what you are thinking....We're saved! Right?

WRONG!

Don't be lulled into a false sense of security! Sure, the possibility of getting dysentery from your pee co-mingling with 10 other dudes standing with you at the trough is waaaay down...But there is still a threat lurking in this corner of the bathroom!

Tip # 1 - DO NOT EAT THE BIG GREEN MINT

Wait. That's not it.....

Tip # 1 - ALWAYS BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS

Yes! Your surroundings! Unless you are Chuck Norris (Chuck Norris Fact # 157 - Chuck Norris can pee with YOUR dick) then you had better get used to keeping an eye on your nether regions because one moment you are an off duty cop tapping a kidney...and then next thing you know you look down and George Michael is palming your magic mushroom! A wise man once told me that he "looked down and that's when [he] realized [he] wasn't born with three hands" split seconds before having to defend another man's amorous advances. Ya see? One moment of wool gathering and the next thing you know you are the victim of a KNOB GOBLIN. Fortunately, some genius out there (probably a victim himself) finally came up with the idea of Urinal Screens (those neat privacy dividers between urinals), thus literally cock-blocking would-be Bone Smugglers.

The next pitfall I'd like to discuss is an equal opportunity offender. Yes. It's The Bathroom Stall of DOOM (OOM OOM) (Echo Echo). Let us say for argument's sake that you have to fire Torpedo #2 off the Poop Deck.

BEWARE!

That innocent looking toilet is two steps away from being the next SKYNET bent on wreaking havoc on your genitalia!

Oh sure, it may LOOK safe....but rest assured. This is a throne of PURE EVIL. That's right. It's time to talk about the auto-flusher! It has a life of it's own. I wrote an expose' on this on Facebook but I feel it must be revisited here. As you sit on this porcelain monster...perhaps reading the latest issue of Jumbo Jugs...perhaps flushing down yet another virgin blood offering to Satan...whatever. Ok perhaps "Virgin Blood Offering to Satan" is a little much. Let's just call it Aunt Flo. But how else do you expect me to understand why these auto flushers act this way! I mean you sit there....minding your own business...and then when it comes time to perform some rudimentary cleaning of your naughty bits, the toilet takes over and releases the hounds of hell on you! Alright....it only flushes....but it flushes so hard that I'd swear a rift to another dimension appears. This is where Sid and Marty Krofft got their idea for Land of the Lost I tell ya! And therein lies the danger! No....not ideas for cheesy Saturday morning TV shows....but suction capable of removing any signs of sex! What happens if you die on the toilet after an episode of this magnitude? They would need to identify you by dental records........or...that....wallet in your pocket. Listen, I'm not saying it's impossible...just more difficult. :P

If you happen to survive the suck of Satan's glory-hole....you ain't out of the woods yet. Because the damn thing has a fail safe plan! Upon flushing, the toilet shoots a geyser of cold water upwards at the force of roughly, say, a firehose....into your crotchal region. This is a ploy to get you to spend more time on the bullseye while it gears up for another attack! You need to be prepared! Hence...

Tip # 2 - ALWAYS HOVER TWO INCHES ABOVE THE BOWL! MINIMUM!

It may actually be easier to hang from the top of the stall walls if you can manage. This prevents making a seal around the toilet bowl, thus negating half of the suction power. if you feel like living dangerously, FINE. You may use the alternate tip instead.

Tip #2A - ALWAYS USE THE HANDICAP STALL RAILING!

Holding onto the railing will prevent you from being the next fatality. However...your girl and boy parts may be irrevocably altered forever. When I sat down on the toilet that fateful day, my boys were hanging at a cool 2 inches below the meat thermometer....now, tragically they hang down like a GRANDFATHER CLOCK. Ladies, time for a reality check. I don't care how neat and manicured everything is down there...when these power flush toilets get done with you, it will go from looking like a little man in a boat to a pound of CANADIAN BACON! Use those toilets enough and you will have more Moose Knuckle than Bullwinkle's family tree. Trust me, no one's going to want to watch you pull a rabbit out of a hat after that.....Don't believe me? Take a gander....

Not pretty eh? You were warned.

Moving on....let's say you manage to not be groped by pedophiles, contract dysentery, or be sacrificed to Satan on the porcelain altar....or just get a bad case of camel toe for your troubles. Well you still have to wash those hands...you don't know who was in that stall before you...so you head for the sink thinking you've made it home free. I don't know who invented these things but the automatic sinks are the spawn of Satan. You put your hand under the sink. Nothing happens. You put your hand under the next one...the first starts spraying water. So you stick your hand under it...and it stops...or the trickle is barely enough to get the head of a pin wet much less two hands. Or better yet....you have the kind that you have to push the nozzle down to start the water, and yet you have to keep one hand on the sink at all times because every time you take your hand away, THE WATER STOPS. So you end up lathering up and then holding the sink mechanism down while you rinse each hand...which guarantees you will only get them dirty again as you have to take your NOW CLEAN HAND and put it on the sink mechanism where your dirty hand was a moment before!

Tip # 3 - BRING YOUR OWN HAND SANITIZER AND WIPES

This will be your new best friend. Otherwise you have to take your STILL DIRTY HANDS now fermenting with bacteria and possibly the Ebola virus and then take on one of your last adversaries. The dreaded automatic towel dispenser. This beast has a mind of it's own.

It never gives you enough paper to work with...unless you have, say, a bloody nose from losing your grip while trying to hold onto the top of the stall walls when pooping like some kinda idjit. So you then have to sit there trying to make the sensor acknowledge you so it will spit more paper out. But yet since it already did, it won't do so again! So you have two options...Either sneak up on it like a Ninja and fool it into thinking you are a different patron of the bathroom...or
perform a bizarre ritual of dance and hand gestures in front of the bank of paper dispensers like you are drunk and trying to play the Dance Dance Revolution game. If you are lucky, between the three or four dispensers...you may get enough paper to dry your hands.
Now all you have to do is walk out......without touching the doorknob that some slovenly scumbag touched after he took a crap and didn't wash his hands. ah HA! Didn't think of that did you. And that ladies and gentlemen leads us to my final tip.

Tip #4 - ALWAYS USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM!

Buddies are wonderful things....they can tell you when you have a piece of tissue on your shoe...they can help you if you "accidentally" fall into the toilet....yeah like anyone believes that one...and if you use them wisely...they will open the door for you and then you can grab the edges of the door so you don't have to touch that doorknob where more germs are congregating than there were at Woodstock. And that as they say.....is that.

WHY I HATE POLITICS
(AND EVEN WORSE PEOPLE WHO TALK ABOUT THEM)

There is nothing worse in this world than someone with a working knowledge of politics who is not *IN* politics TALKING about politics....

WHY do I hate politics? Well! Allow me to retort!

#1 - The Party System - Why must you be a Democrat or a Republican or an independent? Why can't you just go into that frickin' big room with the microphones and just vote what you feel is best for the country? Gee. This bill banning abortion makes sense to me! I'll vote for it! But wait! I can't because it is a Democrat bill and they are the root of all evil! Darn! Oh well.
Seriously? WTF! Yes...people do cross party lines blah blah blah. Save your comments for the Rush Limbaugh Show. I ain't interested. Put it to you this way....Here's how I feel about the different parties....

# 2 - Salaries - You want to help the friggin' deficit? Here's an idea...A PAY CUT WOULD BE NICE. Seriously, You guys continually vote yourselves raises....and wonder why people hate you. How about term limits for every top job in government? Sure the President has a limited term...but how long was Senator Kennedy a friggin' senator? Or at least a salary cap. This job is worth X dollars no matter if it is 1977 or if it's 2015. Oh that's not fair, right? Well...I guess if you had been doing your job keeping inflation in check then your salary would be buying you a better class of prostitute (the kind with teeth anyway).

# 3 - Mixing Business with Pleasure and then business again - Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, some gay yet still married to a woman New Jersey Governor. Yes. They cheated on their wives. Here's an idea. How about you let the wives deal with the potential ass kicking (or threesomes if you are slick enough....yeah I'm talkin' to you Bill Clinton!). What does it have to do with his ability to run the government. But wait...that means we can't trust him! Hi. How ya doin'. You uh....know you have a sheep sitting on your face or did it sneak up and pull itself over your eyes? Yah. THEY'RE POLITICIANS ASSHOLE. YOU COULDN'T TRUST THEM TO BEGIN WITH! You mean to tell me if someone cures cancer tomorrow you are going to stone him to death before he writes down the answer because he got a handjob from a coworker in the lab one night?





















Say what you will but I was paying 99 cents a gallon with this dog loving, cigar chompin', intern screwing cheating husband. I for one can turn a blind eye to him sampling the goods. :P

# 4 - Welfare Reform - Never happen. I believe that it is merely one of those hot button issues politicians use to make you think they care. They should just walk up to the podium for the debate and say "Abortion! Welfare! Taxes! Oil! Stem Cells! Iraq!" and then walk away. Guarantee he's the next President. Solving the welfare problem is simple. If you are on it...you have to produce. Not kids idiot! Produce a valid excuse to BE on welfare. How is that it just so happens that you...your wife and alllllll 6 kids of yours are ALL too impaired to get jobs? Really? Ok fine. Here's what we're going to do.

A) We take away their right to vote. You don't pay taxes...you don't get to decide the direction this country is going in.

B) We make it illegal for anyone under the age of 18 to have children. People are clamoring for babies to adopt. So if you get pregnant...we take it and give it to someone who WANTS to have a child because they have love in their hearts...not because they didn't pull out in time. This will alleviate the need for NEW Welfare recipients. You have a child under that age then you pay the price. The price being some jail time. Yeah...we might have some over crowding issues...but I have a plan for that too (see below). And besides...I was paying for this dumb slut's food and room and board anyway...so I'll still pay for it...just on my terms. >:P

...and finally...

C) We change the way Food Stamps work. There's this thing called W.I.C. (Women Infant Children). It says you get the bare essentials for your kids. Milk. Eggs. Plain Cereal. Formula. Peanut Butter. THAT IS HOW FOOD STAMPS SHOULD BE IN GENERAL. No more steak. No more Lobster. No more of ANY FOOD that contains a certain level of sugar....because I am not paying for your fucking Diabetes either asshole. You want cereal great....you have a choice. Cheerios...King Vitamin...and Ka motherfuckin' BOOM. Get it? Problem solved! You make Welfare no fun to be on...then the leeches will leave! HELLO!

# 5 - Big Brother - The U.S. always has to save the world from itself. Why do we keep overstepping our bounds?

Abortion - Ask yourself this. How many people in politics are women? Like...5%? Secondly, do you have a uterus? If not then why is it that you feel like it is your job to decide what a woman does with it? I am pro-choice for no other reason than because I don't have a uterus. (well...not since I fell off my bike when I was 7......no wait that was my appendix nevermind) I don't think I would ever want to tell someone that I think they need an abortion....but it is their body...their choice. And if you feel like debating this...well don't. If a girl wants to have an abortion, and you stop her....she will find a way to do it. Be it throw herself down a flight of stairs, smoking/drinking/drugs, or abandoning it in a train station trashcan. As disgusting as that sounds...it happens people.

The Stimulus Plan - Why am I bailing out greedy mortgage companies who are just going to thank me by FORECLOSING ON MY FUCKING HOUSE. Fannie Mae goes under....well who's going to be there to foreclose on John Q. Public's house now? Fuck it. He gets a free house, right? Who am I to argue? Now...no one bothered to bail out the poor folks who were stupid enough to think that they could handle the strain of a $1,000 a month mortgage on a stockboy's salary. Nooooo. He still gets screwed. Let's bail out the greedy fucks with the Golden Parachutes! Makes sense to me! Hey...next let's go bail out the auto industry for kicks too. Mark my words...the colleges will be next because the kids can't keep up with the ridiculous student loans they are allowed to take out. Never mind the fact that I could wipe my ass with half the degrees out there. No lie. I have seen and worked with college graduates who can't spell half the words they type. Forget about punctuation too. Yet they probably make more money than me because they have a "degree" in French.

Iraq - We're there for the oil! No! The people need democracy! Nononononono! It's those damnable weapons of mass destruction! Let's see...we didn't find WMD's...the people over there hate our guts and are still fractured into what....5 different groups? And as far as oil goes...The price doubled under the Bush administration, and remains elevated today. Brilliant.

Afghanistan - Oh noooo! The Taliban are oppressing us. waaaaah. Hey assholes. I remember a time when we were oppressed....it was by a whole country by the name of "England". You may have heard of it. By the way...we whupped their asses. We used these things we got called "GUNS" and got the courage to use them because we had these things called "TESTICLES".

But since you are having trouble in that department...I am going to help you. Not because you idiots deserve it...but because I am selfish. We have this problem in the U.S. We have too many people in need of an attitude adjustment. Yes, I am talking about our over populated prison system. So here it is...

Two Birds. One Stone.

Nooooooo, not the sequel to the world's most popular web sensation (google it if you dare).....but a viable solution!

First thing we do is take all the especially bad prisoners....IE : the killers, the wanna-be "gangsta" killers, the child molesters, and for the sheer enjoyment of it...Bernie Madoff. We round them all up and load them into planes. Strap in knuckleheads...it's going to be a long trip! When the prisoners arrive and step off the plane they are gonna notice three things. First is all the damn sand. It's pretty much everywhere. The second thing they will notice is a bag with a map and instructions inside it which will show what they need to find....what they need to do, and one global cellular phone to use for when the job is done. The last thing they will find is
crates of guns and crates of ammo with instructions on how they are loaded.

WELCOME TO AFGHANISTAN.

Yes folks, it's time to put your skills to good use for once. Your objective is one thing. Killin' Nazis! I.....wait...that was the plot to Inglourious Basterds.....uh....wait I know what it was. Your objective is to remove every terrorist, shoe bomber, and suicide bomber in Afghanistan, Pakistan, and any surrounding Muslim territory, including burning down their training camps, and putting Osama Bin Laden in a room with all the aforementioned child molesters, preferably dressed in a diaper.

When you have completed your mission, feel free to call for your pick up.
Until then, we'll be watching from a safe distance....like say......Canada. Think about it. Win win. If the murderers and pedophiles do their job, natural selection will do ours. If they run away....they'll be Afghanistan's problem....Iran's if we're lucky. Sure some of the smarter ones will make their way back to U.S. Soil....but by the time they get back...man they won't ever wanna go back into the system again. A win all around.

Now do me a favor....if you are still with me that is....Please don't bother me with your rhetoric about how I know nothing about politics and have an IQ of 12. I don't have an IQ of 12...it's 47. So there. :P You wanna shut me up....re-read my post here and go do something about it. Peace.