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Woody's Guide To Surviving The Modern Bathroom

Laugh if you will, but there is danger and excitement (and a hint of feces) behind every corner when you step into one of these public bathrooms. I came to that conclusion recently when I narrowly avoided having my change purse permanently stretched to the length of your average disco mirror ball. But I am getting ahead of myself....
Back in the day, things were simple. You went into a box, dropped trou and did yer business.

Ahhhh yes. The good old days. "Doing some paperwork in the Reading Room."...."Sitting on the Throne." As the ages rolled past, things started changing. For one, men were unceremoniously forced to urinate side by side like cattle. I don't know who came up with that idea...but it must have been after a hard night of drinking and perhaps involved some limp-wristed tendencies.

Now I don't know about you....But the last thing I need while having a meeting with the "Heads of Staff" is greedy eyes upon my Heat Seeking Moisture Missile. No good is going to come out of using this medieval device! Thankfully the Powers That Be came to their senses and the use of individual urinals became the norm. I know what you are thinking....We're saved! Right?

WRONG!

Don't be lulled into a false sense of security! Sure, the possibility of getting dysentery from your pee co-mingling with 10 other dudes standing with you at the trough is waaaay down...But there is still a threat lurking in this corner of the bathroom!

Tip # 1 - DO NOT EAT THE BIG GREEN MINT

Wait. That's not it.....

Tip # 1 - ALWAYS BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS

Yes! Your surroundings! Unless you are Chuck Norris (Chuck Norris Fact # 157 - Chuck Norris can pee with YOUR dick) then you had better get used to keeping an eye on your nether regions because one moment you are an off duty cop tapping a kidney...and then next thing you know you look down and George Michael is palming your magic mushroom! A wise man once told me that he "looked down and that's when [he] realized [he] wasn't born with three hands" split seconds before having to defend another man's amorous advances. Ya see? One moment of wool gathering and the next thing you know you are the victim of a KNOB GOBLIN. Fortunately, some genius out there (probably a victim himself) finally came up with the idea of Urinal Screens (those neat privacy dividers between urinals), thus literally cock-blocking would-be Bone Smugglers.

The next pitfall I'd like to discuss is an equal opportunity offender. Yes. It's The Bathroom Stall of DOOM (OOM OOM) (Echo Echo). Let us say for argument's sake that you have to fire Torpedo #2 off the Poop Deck.

BEWARE!

That innocent looking toilet is two steps away from being the next SKYNET bent on wreaking havoc on your genitalia!

Oh sure, it may LOOK safe....but rest assured. This is a throne of PURE EVIL. That's right. It's time to talk about the auto-flusher! It has a life of it's own. I wrote an expose' on this on Facebook but I feel it must be revisited here. As you sit on this porcelain monster...perhaps reading the latest issue of Jumbo Jugs...perhaps flushing down yet another virgin blood offering to Satan...whatever. Ok perhaps "Virgin Blood Offering to Satan" is a little much. Let's just call it Aunt Flo. But how else do you expect me to understand why these auto flushers act this way! I mean you sit there....minding your own business...and then when it comes time to perform some rudimentary cleaning of your naughty bits, the toilet takes over and releases the hounds of hell on you! Alright....it only flushes....but it flushes so hard that I'd swear a rift to another dimension appears. This is where Sid and Marty Krofft got their idea for Land of the Lost I tell ya! And therein lies the danger! No....not ideas for cheesy Saturday morning TV shows....but suction capable of removing any signs of sex! What happens if you die on the toilet after an episode of this magnitude? They would need to identify you by dental records........or...that....wallet in your pocket. Listen, I'm not saying it's impossible...just more difficult. :P

If you happen to survive the suck of Satan's glory-hole....you ain't out of the woods yet. Because the damn thing has a fail safe plan! Upon flushing, the toilet shoots a geyser of cold water upwards at the force of roughly, say, a firehose....into your crotchal region. This is a ploy to get you to spend more time on the bullseye while it gears up for another attack! You need to be prepared! Hence...

Tip # 2 - ALWAYS HOVER TWO INCHES ABOVE THE BOWL! MINIMUM!

It may actually be easier to hang from the top of the stall walls if you can manage. This prevents making a seal around the toilet bowl, thus negating half of the suction power. if you feel like living dangerously, FINE. You may use the alternate tip instead.

Tip #2A - ALWAYS USE THE HANDICAP STALL RAILING!

Holding onto the railing will prevent you from being the next fatality. However...your girl and boy parts may be irrevocably altered forever. When I sat down on the toilet that fateful day, my boys were hanging at a cool 2 inches below the meat thermometer....now, tragically they hang down like a GRANDFATHER CLOCK. Ladies, time for a reality check. I don't care how neat and manicured everything is down there...when these power flush toilets get done with you, it will go from looking like a little man in a boat to a pound of CANADIAN BACON! Use those toilets enough and you will have more Moose Knuckle than Bullwinkle's family tree. Trust me, no one's going to want to watch you pull a rabbit out of a hat after that.....Don't believe me? Take a gander....

Not pretty eh? You were warned.

Moving on....let's say you manage to not be groped by pedophiles, contract dysentery, or be sacrificed to Satan on the porcelain altar....or just get a bad case of camel toe for your troubles. Well you still have to wash those hands...you don't know who was in that stall before you...so you head for the sink thinking you've made it home free. I don't know who invented these things but the automatic sinks are the spawn of Satan. You put your hand under the sink. Nothing happens. You put your hand under the next one...the first starts spraying water. So you stick your hand under it...and it stops...or the trickle is barely enough to get the head of a pin wet much less two hands. Or better yet....you have the kind that you have to push the nozzle down to start the water, and yet you have to keep one hand on the sink at all times because every time you take your hand away, THE WATER STOPS. So you end up lathering up and then holding the sink mechanism down while you rinse each hand...which guarantees you will only get them dirty again as you have to take your NOW CLEAN HAND and put it on the sink mechanism where your dirty hand was a moment before!

Tip # 3 - BRING YOUR OWN HAND SANITIZER AND WIPES

This will be your new best friend. Otherwise you have to take your STILL DIRTY HANDS now fermenting with bacteria and possibly the Ebola virus and then take on one of your last adversaries. The dreaded automatic towel dispenser. This beast has a mind of it's own.

It never gives you enough paper to work with...unless you have, say, a bloody nose from losing your grip while trying to hold onto the top of the stall walls when pooping like some kinda idjit. So you then have to sit there trying to make the sensor acknowledge you so it will spit more paper out. But yet since it already did, it won't do so again! So you have two options...Either sneak up on it like a Ninja and fool it into thinking you are a different patron of the bathroom...or
perform a bizarre ritual of dance and hand gestures in front of the bank of paper dispensers like you are drunk and trying to play the Dance Dance Revolution game. If you are lucky, between the three or four dispensers...you may get enough paper to dry your hands.
Now all you have to do is walk out......without touching the doorknob that some slovenly scumbag touched after he took a crap and didn't wash his hands. ah HA! Didn't think of that did you. And that ladies and gentlemen leads us to my final tip.

Tip #4 - ALWAYS USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM!

Buddies are wonderful things....they can tell you when you have a piece of tissue on your shoe...they can help you if you "accidentally" fall into the toilet....yeah like anyone believes that one...and if you use them wisely...they will open the door for you and then you can grab the edges of the door so you don't have to touch that doorknob where more germs are congregating than there were at Woodstock. And that as they say.....is that.