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WOODY'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING NEW YORK CITY

There are Three Simple Rules For Surviving A Trip To New York City....As opposed to 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter....

Rule # 1 - The Local Cabbies - While riding as a passenger in a taxicab, do not try and engage the driver in any way shape or form. These men have no sense of humor what-so-ever. Offering to stick your arm out the window and wave your fist at the other moron drivers who routinely cut you off will not get you a discount. The guy may stab you in fact. If forced to sit in the front seat, it is also frowned upon if you look at your friends behind the plexiglass and pretend that you are the Viet Cong yelling at POWS : "SHH! notalkingnotalking!"

Rule #2 - The Working Class - If it looks like a prostitute, walks like a prostitute....it is probably not a prostitute. Commenting to your friend "How Much?" when two ladies walk by you as you are waiting for an elevator at a local hotel...not such a good idea. In my defense, the two ladies walked by looking like they had just raided Paris Hilton's wardrobe closet.

And finally Rule #3 - THESE GUYS -

You do NOT want to piss these guys off. They are not in your way. You are in their way. Try kicking one of these guys if he gets in your way and not only will he make you his bitch, but he will likely poop on you when you least expect it....and probably sleep with your wife. I am not kidding. Do every one a favor and don't rock the boat...just toss him some bread crumbs and then slowly back away. If we are lucky we can avoid this fate....

And there you have it. It's as easy as 1-2-3.