MY STAY AT THE BATES MOTELI've stayed in some real dives before...but this one tops the list. I ended up at this dump out of sheer desperation. I had been turned away by three hotels, and was heading in the general direction of Canada looking for the next hope when I passed two hotels/motels on a one way street in a matter of seconds while the GPS directed me to the next failed hotel event.
The neon lights let me know that this was a top notch affair, yet I couldn't help but try anyway because I was tired of canvassing most of South East New York.
And then I saw it.
The Andrea Motel.
The Andrea Motel.
The neon lights let me know that this was a top notch affair, yet I couldn't help but try anyway because I was tired of canvassing most of South East New York.
So I pull in and head to the office and inquire about lodging. The guy tells me the rate is $80 and begins to tell me that I probably can't use my Am Ex card because apparently the credit card machine was purchased at the Flintstone's Garage Sale. So I pass my Mastercard through the slot in the no-doubt bulletproof window between us. As I stand and wait, I can't help but notice the disclaimer posted nearby....and the Magnum Condom with the note to hold it for someone underneath that. Oh....My....God.
He hands me the key and I proceed to my car to strip every item that is worth more than 5 cents from it to make my car more resistable to the local crackheads, and then to my room.
What I see when I walk through the door is something that can only be described as something straight out of the set of Super Fly or countless other blaxploitation films.
A soft red glow lights the room and the bed underneath. I hate to blaspheme but JESUS CHRIST THIS IS CREEPY. I think this would have fit in Kubrik's The Shining!
I turn on every light switch to examine the place where I will be spending my foreseeable future (and I was kind of scared to be in the dark with only the red light on). Wall to wall red carpeting. Crushed red velvet wallpaper. Mirrors on the wall above the bed and to one side.
At this point, the only thing missing is ...well... this :
The Remote Control for the TV even has it's own restraining device in case someone happens to have a Philips TV at home and lost their remote...cuz that happens a lot I am sure.
...and are those mystery stains on the floor Mr. Lennon?
And that leads us to the bathroom, which....well let's just move on...
I move the table away from the Stain of The Week to set up my laptop so I may enjoy some down time on the internet. Ok I would enjoy some down time on the internet but it hasn't been invented yet in the confines of this establishment. Someone needs to call Al Gore so he can invent it. *sigh* I then turn to the TV to provide amusement. let's see....NBC, CBS, some Spanish tv channel...some OTHER Spanish TV channel....Some news channel...some other news channel....and a TV channel devoted to showing close-ups of some dudes face. WTF? Why are they showing this dudesHEYYYYYYYYYY! FREE PORN! WOOOOOOOOO!!!
Best...motel....ever.
Well it was until I realized that every time I passed the channel (Seinfeld was on commercial breaks I swear!) it was some bald black dude. Hey I am all for affirmative action, but I am getting a Small Penis Complex over here! Have these people even HEARD of circumcision??
At this point I have decided to give up any hope of finding something to watch and concentrate on writing this blog to pass the time. I would go to bed but my next door neighbor keeps walking around his room and I'd swear he's poaching wooly mammoths because for fuck sake it is LOUD. I hear people yapping...and furniture being rearranged. For Petes Sake there are FIVE CARS in the parking lot and according to the sign TWENTY THREE ROOMS. You mean to tell me you can't put empty rooms to either side of mine??? GARRR!!!!
And that's when I heard the moaning. Apparently the furniture being arranged was the bed...and mine too....cuz the fuck-me mirror on the wall was rattling like a 6-on-the-rictor-scale earthquake was shaking the place. Oy vey. I then put the TV on mute and they provided an alternate soundtrack to "Friends" playing on TBS! Well...at least SOMEbody is enjoying their stay at this establishment. While this means that Joey, Ross, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel have never been funnier, it is at this point I have to question whether there is any sheetrock between my layer of wall-paper and theirs.
(five earth-shattering minutes later)
Ok they're done.
No wait....thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthump noooooo they're not.
Is this what it's like when the Energizer Bunny has sex? Dammit man! Stop raising the bar!!!
(five more emasculating minutes later)
Annnnnd they're done.
(cue sound of shower which, yes I can hear as well)
They then laugh and yell and carry on and so I decide to listen to my ipod because I can't sleep until they decide to go to bed themselves. This SO going into my Frommer's review.
Huh. Sounds like they are moving the furniture back.
No. No. Wait. I know that sound. I've...made that sound....just....for a lot shorter time...It's...OH CRAP! MY MIRROR IS SHAKING AGAIN! REALLY?!?!?!?! THEY MUST BE PAYING BY THE HOUR FOR THAT ROOM! (for the record it is now 1:30am)
*sigh*
It is at this point that this blog comes to an end, as this blogger has to make his way outside to wait for them to emerge so he can hold up a score card.
(I give them an 8.5...woulda been a 10 but they didn't break anything)
Oh, and as for the review of my stay at this motel, I give this hotel Two Dead Hookers out of a possible Five.
Oh My GOD!! I feel so dirty after reading this. You should have slept in the car
ReplyDelete