Open Letter To The Trix Rabbitt :

Dear Mister Rabbit,

I regret to inform you that all my attempts at reaching you have failed and that it has now come to this. I tried being nice but you just won't get it through your thick skull. Trix.....the confectionary treat loved by billions of adolescent offspring world wide.....is for kids. Yes.

KIDS. CHILDREN. YOUNGSTERS. BOYS. GIRLS. TEENAGERS.

I can assure you dear sir...that it is

NOT FOR SILLY RABBITS.

Ya know what...I don't even find you silly any more. I find you quite annoying. Matter of fact, I cannot find any redeeming qualities when your name comes to mind. You never bring me chocolate like the Easter Bunny....You aren't funny like Bugs Bunny....You don't bounce around like Ricochet Rabbit....You aren't lovable like Roger Rabbit...and you don 't shit golden Cadbury Eggs like that rabbit on the TV commercial. You are useless. Actually...speaking of shit....Trix cereal looks like something a rabbit poops out. So why the hell are you so obsessed with them? Sure, dogs eat other dogs poop...But there is no reference point for Rabbits eating rabbit poop. It's true. I Googled it.

Now it's time for the reality check. The first few times you jumped out of the bushes or dressed like a security guard to fool my child into giving up the delicious nutritious part of a complete breakfast. That's the most important meal of the day motherfucker! How dare you!

Upon doing some research on my enemy (this means YOU)...I uncovered an unsettling item from your old yearbook.

Yeah that's right you sick sunnuvabitch. I know all about your proclivities for violence and that you have been profiled by the FBI as a Cereal Killer. I know all about you. I am in your head. So listen. Let's let cooler heads prevail here. I asked you nicely to fuck off, and now I must insist...nay... demand it. I wasn't looking for trouble, but if you want me to bring the pain I will. I'll have you know that I had a sit down with Cap'n Crunch and King Vitamin and they have given me the go ahead to take you down. So I would advise you to change your address as soon as possible....because one night....and I am not saying when...it could be tomorrow or next week....you'll never know for sure....but one night....when you least expect it....the last sounds you are going to hear are.....SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!

That's right. You better sleep with your Lucky Charms every night. Cuz it's comin' you Silly wabbit. Don't let these goons fool you with their effeminate clothing or name tags. They are like Ninjas on Red Bull. Ya know what....You ain't even gonna hear the crackle or the pop bitch. And if that ain't enough....I got Diggum just waitin' in the wings to give you some Sugar SMACKS..... Bitch. :P


*ahem* So yeah uh....in summary.....please just....just knock it off ok?

Yours Truly,

Count Chocula

P.S. - If you come around my house again....this is the scene that will greet you.... >:P