Woody's Guide to Surviving NYC - Part II

So you read my guide to how to survive the city and you *still* want to go there? You think that just because you know enough not to piss off the local prostitutes, pigeons, and punjab cabbies that you are technically sound enough to taunt fate once again? Not even close! My original outing was designed to allow one to make a quick in and out calculated strike. However, If you plan on staying for more than one night without ending up on a milk carton, your going to need my help.
Today's tips are all about blending in. Like a chameleon blending in with his surroundings to ward off predators, so must you blend with the native street level inhabitants.

Lesson # 1 - Under no circumstances do you wear apparel that reflects the local sports teams.

This invites confrontation by way of conversation! Unless you are a fan of said sport and can hold your own, it is unwise to throw out random sports terminology as if you know what a balk or a hat trick are....

Seriously...Are you TRYING to get killed by an overzealous fan?

Lesson #2 - Never wait to cross the street until the pedestrian light says it's time.

You want some warm milk and cookies before you go to bed too, sissy? Suck it up! City dwellers are brazen anarchists! They break the law whenever they can! You wait for the Stoplight Gods to tell you when to walk and when to stand still then you may as well paint a target on your back for pickpockets and ne'r do wells!

In a smaller city, you could get away with something like this....

But in New York City it's complete anarchy! There is no rhyme or reason to the comings and goings of your average New Yorker. Even the traffic lights have an understated attitude that you won't find in your average Zagat's guide! The following picture was taken from Times Square. No...Really. What do you mean it doesn't look like Times Square? Who's telling this story anyway! *ahem* Anyway....You will notice the general lack of common sense when crossing the streets, as illustrated herein:

See? A complete clusterfuck!

Lesson # 3 - Never make eye contact!

Eye contact leads to bad things like conversations about how the local sports team is doing. Eye contact leads to Alpha male chest puffing. Eye contact leads to this:

Thankfully the Ronald McDonald house is there to pay for his hospital stay. Note to self : Never ask for a Whopper at McDonalds.

And now it's time for the final lesson. The biggest mistake one needs to correct when visiting the big city.

Lesson # 4 - NEVER and I mean NEVER take pictures!

Listen. These people live in, walk around and have survived tall buildings every day. Nothing annoys a native more than the group of idiots bumping into them because they are trying to snap a shot of the Empire State Building, or blocking their way because you just HAVE to pose in front of the mini Statue of Liberty sitting on the corner next to the souvenir store. These people are from the streets! You wanna get shanked on 5th Avenue? Whip out a Nikon and start snapping away. People! This is serious! I beg of you! Leave the photography equipment at home! Your unruptured kidneys will thank you!

And there you have it. Follow the rules and you might survive long enough to be around for when I publish my Tips on Surviving The Grand Canyon....but I doubt it.

THE END!